Freedom, something most of us value and strive for but what does it mean and how much of it do any of us really have? I’ve had the belief that I live a life of freedom because I can choose what I want to do and how I want to live my life but I’ve never really felt free. In fact I’ve felt like a prisoner most of my life, a prisoner of my own mind and of my own habits. Life so often feels like a struggle, a struggle to create what is needed and what is wanted, well, a struggle to survive. Its that feeling of struggle which is like a prison. You see my mind has so many stories and they come in two flavors mainly, regrets about the past and fear of the future. The past provides the raw material for self doubt and judgement, what I could have done better, how I fucked up, what I’m afraid is going to happen again. The future provides anxiety and worry about the same old patterns playing out yet again, an obsession with the worst case scenario. The mixture of these two types of stories is incredibly toxic and sets me apart from freedom. Even though I can decide what to do with my life I don’t really know how to make a decision that will be truly and sustainably fulfilling.
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