Freedom, something most of us value and strive for but what does it mean and how much of it do any of us really have? I’ve had the belief that I live a life of freedom because I can choose what I want to do and how I want to live my life but I’ve never really felt free. In fact I’ve felt like a prisoner most of my life, a prisoner of my own mind and of my own habits. Life so often feels like a struggle, a struggle to create what is needed and what is wanted, well, a struggle to survive. Its that feeling of struggle which is like a prison. You see my mind has so many stories and they come in two flavors mainly, regrets about the past and fear of the future. The past provides the raw material for self doubt and judgement, what I could have done better, how I fucked up, what I’m afraid is going to happen again. The future provides anxiety and worry about the same old patterns playing out yet again, an obsession with the worst case scenario. The mixture of these two types of stories is incredibly toxic and sets me apart from freedom. Even though I can decide what to do with my life I don’t really know how to make a decision that will be truly and sustainably fulfilling.
What I’ve slowly come to realize is that freedom has nothing to do with anything external. Focusing on the need for external conditions to be a certain way may just be the root of struggle. I’ve tried that, tried to change things externally, tried to find the right relationship or create the right kind of work. If only I could make it all flow seamlessly, if only I could get a break and make enough money, if only, if only. It never works out, at least not for very long, something always comes in and brings me right back down again. I’m so tired of the ups and downs. So tired of the paralyzing confusion. Oh the patterns, its more painful when you are aware of them and watching yourself play them out but unable to stop. But then maybe thats the glimmer of freedom because watching the patterns play out means that there is a possibility of changing them, making a slightly different choice in the moment that will begin to create a different outcome. They say one definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome each time.
So maybe freedom is a state of mind, a perspective. A state of mind that is grounded and connected very intimately with present experience, you know, reality. Rather than all the churning stories of the mind. Maybe I don’t have to fix or change anything to be free. Maybe I don’t need to be healed or improved. Yes actually I’ve only ever tasted freedom in the present moment. When I’ve given my attention fully to life right now. I don’t really know how to live in that place because I can’t see very far ahead. Yet. Yet there is ‘something’ there. Something just beneath the raw experience of life in the immediate present. Its a very subtle thing. A faint but unmistakable feeling. That feeling, when I can be quiet and aware enough to get in touch with it, always seems to point. Its like a compass. A pointing finger. It points to the next step and only the next step. That feeling appears to come from my heart but only when its open to the full reality of the moment. I can live by it I think because its always pointing to the next step just in front of me. I don’t know where it will ultimately lead me but I somehow trust it. The more I trust it the more my life seems to fall into place. I don’t know how but it does. Maybe I don’t need to know how. Maybe this is how you live life from the heart, on the edge of the unknown, surrendered to what is and open to the intuitive guidance that is always being offered right under your nose.
My personal way of relating to the Divine is through the experience of the Goddess or Divine Feminine. When I am in my power, in the present moment I can commune with the Goddess, the Mother of Life and She shows me the way. Some may not relate to this experience of the Divine as the Goddess but this is what speaks through my heart. I resisted this guidance at first because the Lady asks for my surrender in return. My personality didn’t like that idea, it wanted to continue running the show even though its been incredibly unsuccessful in creating a happy fulfilled life. I’ve come to surrender to the Goddess more and more and I find an indescribable peace in that. It feels like freedom, my personality no longer has to figure so much out, it becomes a vehicle for the Lady’s expression. Creative expression. So. Freedom = surrender? Freedom = creativity? Freedom = right now? I’m beginning to think I’m not who I thought I was. I’m beginning to love what I don’t know. I’m making love to the Goddess in my intimate surrender to Her and embodiment of Her gift, life. I feel loved from within. Now this is freedom!