As I’ve walked my spiritual path over the last few years I’ve let go of many aspects of my identity and the ways I had habitually defined myself. The question - Who am I? - is a key spiritual question which can be a conduit for accessing our true nature which is beyond all labels. My core spiritual practice is cultivating presence/awareness and in that space introducing the question Who am I which is an inquiry into the nature of the self. In letting go of many of my labels including ones associated with spiritual beliefs, career and relationship I’ve found that I’ve become much more free to respond to situations in the moment in surprising ways. Surprising because my responses are so spontaneous and don’t necessarily fit into my ideas about how I behave. Without such a rigid definition of who I am I can more easily step into roles, activities and ways of relating to people which would not have been possible before because my beliefs about who I am would limit the possibilities. This has opened a new world of unlimited adventure and experience and while it is often scary not to have the familiar backdrop of the old identity I feel far more alive than ever before.
As I’ve gone through this process lately I’ve paid particular attention to my relationships both old and new. There are some really powerful roles and labels associated with relationships and its interesting to see just how much we depend on them to relate to others. Am I your friend, colleague, lover, partner, boyfriend, or acquaintance? Am I straight, queer, polyamorous or something else? These roles and labels for me anyway have tended to define the way I relate to people, what is appropriate in the connection and to some degree what I can expect from the other person.
However I’ve noticed my relationships refusing to conform to these roles and labels anymore and it has produced a good deal of anxiety and confusion. It feels like I am learning how to be in relationship all over again in a totally new way. This new way of relating is an in the moment heart based experience of connection that is incredibly fluid. I now try not to apply a label to a new connection and instead just explore it to see where it leads, what it brings up and what kind of relationship channel is possible with a particular person. I also find that I continually have to notice and remove labels from existing relationships as they change over time. If we don’t apply labels we have no set of behaviors we can turn to in order to know how to relate to someone. The powerful aspect of this is that it opens up a new realm of relationship which is based purely on present moment experience. You meet someone in the present moment and respond according to what is felt and shared right then and there. This requires the ability to focus your attention on your present experience, to have an open heart and to trust that the relationship connection can unfold in a natural way without the need to limit or control it. It also requires open communication so that in the moment each persons boundaries are on the table.
There is incredible freedom and openness in relating this way and it tends to prevent the usual tendencies of having an agenda with someone based on the label that is applied to the relationship. I find this allows me to see the other person much more clearly, to see them for who they are rather than what I might like them to be. When we can see each other in this way without the need to change or control the other person a deep level of intimacy becomes possible. Two people truly seeing each other and sharing their common experience while simultaneously holding the differences as mysteries to be revealed in the relationship. When we don’t apply labels and create expectations, the unknown aspect of the connection becomes a mystery to be explored and revealed. For many people this can feel unstable and unsafe but it challenges us to find that stability and safety within rather than in another person.
As great as all this might sound it isn’t very easy to achieve at first because the conditioning of roles and labels is so entrenched and habitual but I am finding it is a natural expression of the spiritual path, at least for me, because the spiritual path can reveal the unreality and limitations of labels and roles as well as the limitless potential of the present moment. To be this open has required two things for me and it is very much still a work in progress. The first thing is to own, acknowledge and integrate the painful feelings that come up in relationship. If I begin to connect with a woman and find myself really wanting her to be a romantic partner and therefore notice an emerging desire to control the experience to create a certain outcome I can simply notice that and allow myself to feel what it brings up. I then don’t need to act on it or play it out the same way and the connection can remain free. If the person does become a romantic partner then I can flow into that knowing it is the natural unfolding of the connection.When we force a connection to move in a certain direction to meet a need, even if the other person accommodates our need it usually ends up falling apart because it is based on a false projection rather than a true seeing of the connection for what it is.
The second thing I’ve needed to cultivate to create truly open relationship is my connection with the Divine and in terms of my connection with women my connection with the Divine Feminine. If I enter relationship without this grounding in spirit then I tend to be in relationship to get my deeper needs met and the relationship takes on a need based quality which is not very open and free flowing. No other person can meet my deepest needs for wholeness, completeness and safety if I have not addressed them in myself first. If instead I cultivate a connection to the Divine within I can enter relationship a whole person not needing anything from my partner but bring a great deal to share, unconditional love. My more practical needs then get met without effort because I’ve already set the stage for that within. In romantic relationship, if I cultivate a connection with the Divine Feminine I see women as a reflection of a part of me rather than something I need to possess to be complete. Since we all have both masculine and feminine aspects, we can integrate these two polarities in order to enter relationship with the opposite sex in an empowered balanced way.
In my view, open fluid in the moment relationship is a gift that is available to each of us and represents a new paradigm of relationship which is more in tune with spirit and reflects a level of consciousness which I see society moving into, right now.
Tags: Relationship
Beautiful…
Dette er vakkert!!!
Cool article Colin, thanks for writing about a process that I often don’t have the words for…
Beautiful. I like what you wrote about the folly of projecting and pushing things along to meet a need rather than allowing them to unfold. I myself am at the precipice of exploring how to meet my own needs so that I can come to a romantic relationship as a whole person. I think, though, that this can be a deep process involving healing the childhood soul parts.
“When we force a connection to move in a certain direction to meet a need, even if the other person accommodates our need it usually ends up falling apart because it is based on a false projection rather than a true seeing of the connection for what it is.”
This is really powerful, really true. Thank you.
Thx. again, again and again.