We are living in transformative times there is no question about it. It seems almost everything on an external as well as internal level is undergoing radical change these days. This is an exciting, powerful and often painful process to be involved in but the potential is amazing. Many of the structures from the old paradigm including government, religion, financial and social are beginning to crumble, the weight of their dysfunction finally beginning to overpower their momentum. As these old structures break down it is important for us to engage a creative process collectively to form new systems to take their place. New systems that reflect a new era and a different level of conscious and that redefine boundaries that reflect the next level of growth we are entering into as a society.
Romantic relationship is something that I see radically shifting now and in the coming years. I’m seeing this in my own life and in the relationships of people I work with in counseling as well as on a larger scale. Relationship is a very broad term but one of the main things I see changing is people primarily relying on and engaging in traditional and monogamous forms of relationship. What I see as traditional relationship is the form of relationship that emerged out of the old era (up to and including the mid 20th century) where a connection between a man and a woman was seen to be a lifelong commitment within a patriarchal system. In the not too distant past marriages were arranged (which still happens today to some extent) and rarely involved love or personal growth. Marriages were about security and property and women had little freedom and equality in partnership. This has changed a great deal in the last few decades but we still carry the specter of the old relationship paradigm even if in more subtle forms.
The evidence is mounting that the old style of marriage and relationship is dying as we see the rise of new kinds of relationship while divorce rates increase well over 50% and surviving marriages see unprecedented issues that bring the couple to some form of counseling or intervention. Rates of satisfaction overall have been steadily declining for some time. In my view this points to the need for a shift in relationship patterns as a society. The core of what is lingering from old paradigm relationship style is what I call attachment based relationship. Even today where each partner is likely to be more independent and equal we still see emotional attachment as a disempowering force that makes people dependent, resentful and unsatisfied. In this type of pattern (which is unfortunately still the common pattern) partners seek stability, emotional fulfillment and security from their romantic relationships and in the process they give their power away to their partner believing that the source of these things lies in something external. In more extreme cases you can have a total enmeshment where each person loses their individual identity and takes on a shared identity of the partnership. This results in growth stifling dependence as each person feels incomplete internally while anxiously trying to hold onto their partner for fear of losing what they think they lack. Resentment almost always follows as the other partner is unable to live up to what is being projected onto them. No one ultimately likes being responsible for someone else’s happiness.
Today we see all sorts of alternative forms of romantic relationship such as polyamory, same sex, bdsm, non-committed partners or romantic friendships and many more. It isn’t that these types of relationships haven’t been around in the past but today they are becoming more mainstream and people are more likely to see them as alternatives to the heterosexual life-long commitment as well as a form of self expression. The box of relationship is beginning to break open as people see they can allow relationships to take different forms with different people and at different stages of their lives. As we enter a new era of consciousness and growth it is only natural that our relationship styles follow suit. When we’re able to fully develop our potential as individuals and thereby coming into full communion with our inherent power, clarity and fullness we can enter into relationship from a very different place. A place of wholeness where we don’t “need” to be in relationship to be completed or be ok rather we enter it as a way to expand our consciousness, grow and share who we are. We can also connect far more intimately with partners because being in a state of wholeness we don’t need anything from them so are free to see them for who they truly are and appreciate it fully. A relationship based on unconditional love as opposed to need and fear. If we end up being with someone for a lifetime as a monogamous partner it is something that is created new in each moment rather than something held onto for security and fear of the unknown.
I believe the key to this type of relationship is a personal spiritual connection whatever that looks like for each of us. A way to tap into the divine within so we can directly experience our natural state which is complete, free and lacking nothing. A natural state which is unconditional love itself. It is difficult to ever feel unloved when you recognize directly that there is boundless spring of pure love right within you at your heart. It is what you are and you are already always loved beyond any limit of physical relationship. Getting in touch with this spiritual heart center also includes bringing awareness to and healing to our old wounds, the parts of us that feel in need of something to complete them. We heal them simply by allowing ourselves to feel their pain openly and without resistance letting go of the old mental stories that inevitably come forth to talk us out of being present with pain. An amazing thing happens when one accepts and openly feels ones pain, a light or radiance begins to shine through it from a deeper place allowing healing to take place. It is only resistance to feeling and being present with our pain and old wounds that causes them to persist. Getting in touch with the spiritual center makes healing possible because we can see there is something deeper than our pain which is untainted by it but which contains limitless compassion for it. So ultimately relationship in the new paradigm is about first getting into true relationship with ourselves which opens the door to true relationship with others.
Tags: Relationship, romance, sex, unconditional love
the new paradigm? i do not believe it is new at all. there were periods throughout all of history, across all kinds of cultures, where people lived with exactly that kind of freedom from social, religious mores you are talking about. and when you spoke of longterm commitments based on fear and need i got an image in my mind of two poeple looking at someone taking a mud bath, one goes “OOH GROSS” the other “I BET THAT FEELS GREAT”.maybe i am a hopeless romantic believing in two people growing old together, secure in themselves and each other , wanting the closeness and intimacy that only comes with time spent together , with mutual memories . maybe i am just not comfortable “being out there”, the possibility of being turned down, not having someone available to share a story or an impression with without making an “appointment” first. but i am glad the social norms have loosened , at least now we have a choice.
“maybe i am a hopeless romantic believing in two people growing old together, secure in themselves and each other , wanting the closeness and intimacy that only comes with time spent together , with mutual memories .”
This is key, secure in themselves, wanting closeness and intimacy. However I would say that only is possible when we are secure in ourselves first. Another person cannot make me secure in myself, only I can realize that. If I don’t I may try to find it in the other person which in my view cuts off real intimacy in favor of ego gratification. In this scenario the ego projects its needs onto the other person who is unconsciously expected to fulfill them. When they fail to do so all kinds of suffer result. I think you can definitely have healthy long term monogamous relationship and if one is drawn to that they should go for it but it doesn’t take the place of the inner connection with your spiritual center, your heart. I would also say if people openly pursued a relationship style freely we would see far less traditional relationship, it would still be around being congruent for some people but it wouldn’t be the default or the norm necessarily……..