Dazed and confused… January 12, 2010
Posted by bodhidude in : Transformation, blog , trackbackI’m not sure what to say about today except that I feel absolutely confused in an intense emotional sort of way. It being my birthday might have a little to do with it but I doubt very much because I don’t really give two shits about the Gregorian slave calendar most of us are still using. Maybe I resent the part of me still submitting to this delusion we label time. I don’t know but whatever the case may be its so far been a day of frustration, confusion and anger. Not sure where I’m going or what to do with myself. My first reaction today in each situation and with each person has been anger, I’m pissed off and I don’t fucking care what anyone has to say about it. In fact I just want to say Fuck You to the world today. Maybe its a marginalized voice that needs to be aired or maybe its just a reflection of the darkness I’ve been working so hard to integrate lately. Knowing that I create my world I guess means I’m really saying Fuck YOU to myself.
I know this is temporary but it sucks at the moment. I think I’ll spend some more time with my tree friends today, of all my friends they seem the most grounded and accepting of whatever is. I’m learning a great deal from that. Allowing the darkness to be there is a challenging practice but I see there is no way around it, it must be faced and it must be integrated. So much spirituality today seems to consist of overemphasis on the positive which feels like total bullshit to me. Positive people walking around “acting” spiritual, radiating light while they carry immense shadows which they don’t have the courage to face and acknowledge. Yeah that’s been me but it doesn’t work, there is no getting around the darkness and that includes embodying it. No amount of new age fluff and singing about love and light is going to change that.
Don’t take this personally I just needed to vent and writing is one of my ways of doing that. AHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. OK, thats better, a little. Damn no one told me the spiritual path would be so goddamn intense, shouldn’t there be a disclaimer or something? Now its all seeming funny, a cosmic joke, that son of a bitch God is having a laugh at my expense again. Ok Ok I’m laughing along. I think I’ve finally gone crazy……..
Comments»
sounds like you indulged and thoroughly enjoyed a ranting rage…!
yeah that’s for sure and I really don’t let myself do that, anger is quite a challenge to deal with in a constructive way…… energy is wanting to move in more and more powerful ways…….