Spiritual Practice and the Death of a Loved One December 28, 2009
Posted by bodhidude in : Healing, Psychology, Spirituality , trackback
A friend of mine recently lost a loved one to suicide and asked me to advise her on how she might benefit her friend now that he has died. This got me thinking about death again which is not so unusual for someone on the spiritual path but it takes on new significance when it strikes close to home. Most spiritual traditions have some kind of practice to benefit loved ones after death but rather than regurgitate those here I’m going to present my view on working with the death of a loved one. I present this from the perspective of a spiritual practitioner as well as a counselor.
When someone dies the first thing many feel is shock and disbelief, a surreal feeling that the situation can’t really be happening. From this initial state of shock some people move right into feeling grief and some move into a state of numbness or detachment. As difficult as it may be the first practice in dealing with the death of a loved one is presence. It is important to stay focused on what is happening in the present moment, to allow ourselves to feel what comes up and to allow others to do the same. Reaching out for support at this time is helpful so we remember that we are not alone in what may seem like an insurmountable crisis. By staying with our present experience rather than distracting ourselves or numbing out we can openly deal with the situation as it is.
As with any loss especially of someone close to us the grieving process is the most natural human response. Truly allowing ourselves to feel our grief, sadness, loneliness and possibly regret is easier said than done. However often the resistance to feeling painful emotions makes them more difficult because in avoiding them we let them build until they overwhelm us. If we face the death of a loved one with presence we can allow ourselves to feel what comes up and release it allowing the energy of grief to move through us. A potential obstacle to openly feeling our loss may be mental stories of what the person experienced as they died, what we did wrong in relationship to them or other regrets or fears. The worst of these stories is blaming ourselves in some way for their death. These are natural too and if we recognize these mental stories for what they are, thoughts, we can acknowledge them and let them go without investing in their reality. Thoughts are momentary movements of the mind and giving them too much attention can make them seem more real than they are. If we can let go of the stories and feel the raw emotion of grief we will move through the process and healing with take place naturally. Compassion for ourselves, the deceased person and others who are grieving is the most powerful of medicines as we go through this process. The support of family, friends or a professional counselor can be of help here if we need it.
The culmination of the grieving process involves letting go of the person who has died. Death brings the challenge of dealing with our attachment to the person we care about. Letting go is not easy but if we have fully allowed ourselves to grieve and have processed what the person’s death has brought up for us, we will be able to let go. From a spiritual perspective letting go is not just an important part of our own healing but is potentially a great service to the person who has died because they too will need to let go of their life so they can move on. It may be helpful to spend some time celebrating our connection with the person who has died, giving thanks and appreciation for the time we were given. Allowing ourselves to reflect on the beauty of all that was shared.
If you believe in reincarnation you may wish to offer prayers, healing or requests to deities for the guidance of the person on their journey to their next life or afterlife. Whatever your spiritual beliefs it can help in the healing process to reconnect with them at such a time and get in touch with those that speak to you. As an example, many Buddhists believe that when someone has died they go through a transition period or Bardo between the previous life and the next rebirth. During this Bardo period the person will need to let go of their previous life and it is thought that the person’s state of consciousness during this period is critical in determining what their next rebirth will be like. For this reason, many Buddhists continue to offer prayers for their loved one’s fortunate rebirth, make requests to Buddhas and Bodhisattvas to guide them on their trip through the Bardo and send them love and encouragement as well as letting them go. The idea that we can offer those who have died support after death can be a powerful opportunity to us to cope with our loss in an empowered way realizing that on one level there really is no loss while still acknowledging the loss we feel. Holding the middle path between the absolute viewpoint and the relative viewpoint is the core of spiritual practice in my view.
Ultimately the death of a loved one reminds us of our own mortality and the transience of all life. It can be a powerful reminder to live this life fully for this present moment because we cannot know when it will come to an end. Remembering death can have the effect of helping us live a happy fulfilled regret-free life making the most of every moment, situation, relationship and opportunity. If we can transform the experience of a loved one’s death in this way it gives it meaning and allows that person’s death to be a gift for others. Given its inevitability, preparing for our own death can be a positive empowering experience.
Comments»
awesome and powerful article Colin! thank you for speaking such a simple yet compassionate voice to this painful, inevitable, and universal human experience of letting go…