A foot in two worlds January 30, 2009
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How do you move forward when you have one foot in an old paradigm and one foot in a new paradigm? That has become my koan lately and that’s the way its felt. I still have one foot in the old paradigm. The old paradigm being the world where ego and the rational mind leads the way, where I need to struggle and work hard to make ends meet, where I react to change and transition with fear and where I limit what comes to me to known channels or pathways. I also have one foot in the new paradigm. The new paradigm being the world where the heart leads the way and the rational mind is only a tool, where I no longer need to struggle because I live in abundance, where I allow life to flow naturally and don’t need to hold on, where I am open to the infinite pathways of creation so I am able to manifest what I need effortlessly and where I become an instrument through which the divine consciousness of the universe flows in service of the whole.
Quite different ways of looking at life and the world. This place of feeling caught between two worlds is quite painful. It feels like I engage in a creative process to dream up my life and then thoughts and fears come up that short circuit that creative dream. I can’t quite go back to the old way and think my way through, work at a job to make money, or hold on to people and situations. Believe me I’ve tried and these ways no longer work. Trying to figure things out results in confusion, trying to work at a job for the money brings problems and disempowerment, and trying to hold on to relationships causes them to fall away quicker. I can’t seem to fully step into the new way fully either although I can see more and more clearly what that might be like. I feel like I’m trying to shed a lifelong addiction or break the most stubborn habit, this way of existing in lack and separation where I’m always the victim of someone or something. I can’t buy into that anymore because I’ve seen through it but I also cannot seem to stop the habitual patterns that go along with it. I know from a spiritual point of view that this is a natural part of the path, when you see your unconscious patterns but they still have enough momentum that you can’t yet fully free yourself from them.
The practice of meditation and more importantly the practice of mindfulness in every activity does seem to be creating more and more awareness. I’m finding with that awareness I am seeing the thoughts, feelings and beliefs that keep me stuck in the old patterns of lack and fear. It is becoming a moment to moment practice of noticing a limiting thought or feeling in the moment, feeling it, letting it go and refocusing my attention in a creative direction. For example I see the end of my job coming and I feel fear and imagine struggling to pay the bills. When I realize this I can acknowledge that fear and then quickly let go of it and refocus my attention on what I want to create in place of the job, seeing myself having a full abundant life with all my needs met. These things come up constantly and it requires a good deal of awareness to illuminate them so they can’t continue to support the old way of being. I’m seeing that each time I feel, release and counteract such negative thoughts its like pulling a thread in the old way of being weakening it just a bit more. I can feel it collapsing around me and that brings up more fear, fear of the unknown or maybe fear of life in its full intense wholeness, fear to be released.
I think I’m ready to pull my foot out of the old paradigm and fully step into the new one.
Letting go of the need to control the dream January 25, 2009
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A recent article by a friend of mine entitled “One Great Dream of a Single Dreamer” (Click here for article) has helped me gain some clarity in my process of unfolding my life into the next stage. In the article Paul points out that our individual identities are ultimately an illusion being dreamed up by a universal consciousness. When we awaken to the illusion of our small self we become aware of our connection to and oneness with this universal consciousness or great dreamer. We could call it God, the universe, ultimate reality, the divine, a higher power, whatever you prefer but I think its all the same thing in that it is the greater I AM, who we truly are beneath our surface identity.
My process recently has been to work with manifesting my life using the power of awareness, intention and visualization so as to creatively guide myself along a heart focused path and create a life that reflects a more conscious direction. I think one of the challenges in this process at least for me is that in embracing the perspective that I create my reality and have the power to manifest the life I choose, it can easily become the small or egoic self that is hijacking the path as means of regaining control. Paul points out in the article that if we think that awakening is going to mean we can become billionaires or gain some kind of status we are still subtlety enmeshed in an illusion. If we instead surrender our surface desires and allow the divine to work through us we naturally flow where we are needed in life and our life itself becomes a service to the greater good.
To be more clear this feels like another step in really following the heart where the ego finally has to accept that it is taking a back seat and is not in control. Opening fully to the divine and freely allowing it to work through us moves us into what we need to be doing right now, who we need to be with right now and brings us everything we need in life even if it doesn’t necessarily satisfy our ego desires. I have a sense that this is real fulfillment, real purpose, real peace. The practice becomes cultivating enough awareness to recognize when the ego is coming in and trying to redirect the creative process to self serving needs and then refocusing on the present moment and the direct experience of our truth and our power. I see this clarification as reflecting why I’ve had trouble creating my dream recently, I see that I haven’t fully let go of the need to control the dream. I’ve been able to create some amazing things but they haven’t really seemed fulfilling in the end and I now see that its because I have become more adept at creating but what I chose to create was still coming from ego. Even when we are able to create from this level it doesn’t really bring us happiness because of its limited scope. I don’t think this means that we shouldn’t want or enjoy things in life like money, material possessions or sexual experiences but I think its a reminder to remember their limitations and make our primary focus something deeper.
Mindfulness and abundance January 22, 2009
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What does washing the dishes have to do with creating what I want in my life and being happy? Well everything it seems. I’ve embraced the concept of abundance for some time now believing that we have the power to create what we choose to create in our lives because we live in an abundant universe from which we are not separate and it is through the power of our attention and intention that we can transform abundance into form. However sometimes it seems so damned elusive. I believe it and on some deep level I know it but it seems like a very different thing to actually put it into practice on a daily basis to create the resources I need to survive and flourish without sacrificing my truth and my path, well actually without sacrificing my heart. It has been a painful process of trial and error.
Lately I’ve come to realize more just how simple this whole thing really is. The question keeps coming to mind of if I don’t feel like I can access abundance what is it that is cutting me off from it? The answer for me seems to be disconnection from the present moment and addiction to compulsive thinking. I noticed that when I am feeling fearful, limited, unsuccessful or just plain confused and crazy I am always lost in my head and not in touch with the present. I have been swept away by a train of thoughts and feelings which are a part of a habitual pattern of lack and fear and come up consistently and powerfully.
The simple practice of realizing that I am lost in my head and then coming back to the present almost always dispels the fear and anxiety and negative thoughts and emotions provided I leave space to acknowledge and feel them without judgment. What I find when I become present is peace, simplicity, clarity and power. The only thing is there is a powerful habitual pattern of not being present, being addicted to compulsive thinking and worrying so it becomes a constant practice of mindfulness. In Zen this is known as doing one thing at a time with our whole body and mind. When you do the dishes just do the dishes rather than planning your entire day at the same time and not giving much attention to the action you are in the middle of.
This seems a bit ridiculous at first because why would you want to give all your attention to something so mundane as doing the dishes? The answer is because that is what is happening right now and right now is where your power is, where life is. Doing the dishes is only mundane and trivial from an ego centered point of view, its just an everyday task, a means to an end. But from the perspective of complete presence it is a manifestation of life, of consciousness in action and it is beautiful. From this perspective everything is sacred and filled with wonder and power, if we just pay attention. In the moment there is clarity, the problem we can figure out becomes clear in stillness and we find we already knew the solution.
This translates into a very simple yet powerful practice of mindfulness, just paying attention to right now. Its amazing that when you really do that the problems of life begin to dissolve. Its not that there is no suffering and difficulty, there is, but it just isn’t so much of a problem anymore and how to address it is clear. To become present however requires that we surrender to our experience right now because if we are resisting what is we cannot become fully present. The resistance creates separation and we are cut off from our power and left in a painful state of confusion. With surrender we let go of resistance to what is and become present and ironically then we can see clearly how to change things if they need changing and its within our power. But whether we can change an external situation or not we can always find a state of peace inside by accepting what is and having an open full and harmonious relationship with right now…….
Struggle and conflict January 10, 2009
Posted by bodhidude in : Livelihood, Psychology, Spirituality, blog , add a commentIts interesting how patterns come and go in life and its also interesting how intense the rate and degree of change has gotten for many people. I came out of last year feeling pretty good, having created a new place to live, a new job and a new deeper commitment to practice. What I’ve experienced in the last few days can only be described as a tidal wave of energy uprooting my life yet again. What I didn’t realize was that in creating these things as wonderful as they were, they were also reflecting old patterns and I found that I created an illusion for myself. The illusion being imagined stability and peace in these things that I created. I felt grounded and stable and imagined this could be maintained in its current form for some time. I know better than that but not recently it seems.
What I didn’t realize is the process of change and growth that I have undertaken would not allow me to grasp on to these things in ways that I would in the past. In my job I created the perfect environment in which to do computer work. A worldwide Buddhist organization devoted to teaching and charitable work with an office that is as peaceful and conscious as I’ve ever experienced. A wonderful boss who seems to actually care about my happiness and well being, not something I’ve ever experienced in the workplace before. But this perfect environment essentially highlighted what I’ve been having so much trouble accepting for so long. I don’t feel called to do technology work anymore. No matter how much I try I simply cannot find any passion or interest for it. This is quite frustrating because I am very good at it and have more than 10 years of experience so it seems like the ideal way to make money and offer service. But its not to be anymore, this job has helped me see that, if I can’t do this work here then I can’t do it anywhere. So time to let go and face the edge again, if not technology work then I don’t know how I will pay the bills, its the unknown. Nothing to do but trust.
My living situation is similar in that I thought, great I’ve got a cool stable place for six months and then I’ll move on to something else. But its been anything but stable, with two roommates moving out in the first 2 months, utter chaos. Now come to find out that the landlords want us to pay the rent on any unrented rooms, so much for having a budget or knowing what to expect financially. Not sure how this will be resolved yet but there certainly seems to be no stability to be found here.
More than these things I’ve felt lately like I’m in conflict with everyone and everything. Like its an unending onslaught of problems, difficulties and interpersonal issues. I know I’m creating this buts its been absolutely exhausting. In group the other night it became clear that part of it at least is that I am feeling a great deal and not really allowing the emotion to flow. Feeling a lot around all the change and chaos, feeling a lot around my friend Sheleigh moving away to Arizona, feeling a lot about facing my fears of creating right livelihood, dealing with more change and attachment with my friend Kara, facing my fears and desires around relationship and on and on. There is a lot to feel but I’m still working on letting it flow, well really with letting everything in my life flow without grasping on so tightly. It hurts. Its terrifying. Its sad. And its also wonderful, freeing and filled with joy.
My practice has deepened which I know often brings more unconscious processes and feelings to the surface. It can cause a resurfacing of old patterns allowing them to be illuminated, felt and released yet again, another layer of the onion to peel away. Its a pretty intense time right now and I sometimes wonder if I will make it through but then again I know I will. My old Zen teacher Diado Roshi says that the process involves facing the edge and pushing it then inevitably pulling back into old forms of imagined safety, old patterns and then seeing that they don’t work and again facing and pushing the edge. A flow, no problem if you don’t try to hold on. Let go……..always.